A Bit of the Bubbly

I've tried unsuccessfully for most of my life to have sophisticated tastes. Regardless of the amount of attempts I've realized that I cannot enjoy the luxuries that an older sophisticated man is supposed to enjoy such as bourbon, cigars, or even champagne. Countless times I've been forced to choke down a warm glass of whiskey because sophisticated whiskey drinkers like it 'neat'. The few times I've been offered a Cuban cigar I didn't dare admit that it tasted just like all the other cigars I've had throughout my life, and all of them have tasted like shit warmed over and dipped in a smoke bbq sauce.

The worst of all sophisticated beverages has always been champagne. I'm convinced that it is the one beverage that tastes worse the more expensive it is. If I was forced to choose between a bottle of Dom Perignon and a three dollar bottle of Cooks, I'd go with the Cooks every time.

I know it's cool these days for hip-hop stars to sit in their booths at the club and spray all the hot girls who pass by with expensive champagne. Before I dedicated any real thought to this, I was under the impression that the stars did this to display a nonchalant attitude toward spending exorbitant amounts of money. Wasting expensive champagne was their way of saying, "I'm so rich, I don't care about a $500 dollar bottle of champagne."

I realize now this has never been the case. The stars order the Cristal because it's the most expensive bottle on the menu, but as soon as they take a sip they realize it tastes like shit. Similar to taking a swig of bad milk, the hip-hop star spits out the Cristal and tries to pour out the remainder of the bottle. Although the champagne, being the overly carbonated beverage that it is, gets all over the place.